Okay, for all you Office Space fans, you remember when Lawrence and Peter are talking about what they'd do with a million bucks, Lawrence says, "Two chicks at the same time." Peter says, "Nothing. I'd sit on my ass all day, and do nothing." Sometimes I aspire to Peter's sentiments, but after meeting some of the biggest idiots on the highway yesterday, this is what I'd do when I felt like sitting on my ass in a car: I'd buy a beater car--a big non-SUV one, like a Lincoln Towncar or one of...

This lake has no trail leading to it. You have to hike uphill at approximately a 40 degree angle (sometimes less, often more) for about four miles to get there. It's full of small brook trout that an osprey was keeping its eye on. Despite it being late August when we made the hike, buttercups and shooting stars were just blooming. A conservative guess would be that maybe 10 people visit that lake each year. Few people know about it and, since it isn't on a map and no trail runs within fo...

Today I had a one-day temp job in a very small town about 30 minutes away. It didn't seem so bad--just answer the phones in a lawyer's office--so I said okay. They seemed desperate to find someone on such short notice. What they didn't tell me was that I would be temping for the Devil. Let's call him Larry. Larry seems like a nice, lawyerly name. Also I have a deadbeat lawyer uncle named Larry, so it fits. I got there at 8:30 and walked in the front door and came face-to-face with a ...

Hello ladies, have I got a good deal for you! I'm married to a nice, intelligent (brilliant, really), romantic, witty, wonderful guy. But he's got this problem that I, alas, can no longer deal with: He wears the ugliest shirts in the world. I'm talking the throw-away-bin-at-Goodwill ugly. You know when your great uncle or some distant male relative died, and you hadn't the heart to throw out his shirts so you gave them to charity instead? Well, he bought 'em. Thanks a lot. First, there'...

Some kind of miracle just happened. Not the supernatural kind--I'm not sure I believe in those--but nonetheless amazing. Backstory: Sold a laptop on eBay to a buyer in the U.K. He "paid" through a fraudulent escrow service, but before we knew it was fraudulent, we'd already shipped it. Not having a lot of contact with the police in London, we thought it was lost for good, along with the $750 it would have fetched. This was about three months ago. Today: Postman shows up at our door with...

I have a beef with a particular aspect of feminism--a small beef, perhaps veal--but beef nonetheless. It's when a married couple for whatever reason doesn't have the same last name (generally speaking, when the wife keeps her name); specifically, when the wife gets very upset by being incorrectly addressed. For example, I have two friends, we'll call them John Smith and Jane Andrews, who have been married for three years now, and they have separate names, not because Jane was established i...

Two weeks ago my friend was killed in a car accident. I just found out tonight, and then I had to be the one to call my best friend, his ex-girlfriend, and tell her. She was very calm about it. And after I told her everything I knew, which wasn't much, we were just quiet for a long time. What do you say? Neither of us wanted to stay on the line but then there's that moment when you hang up and the world has shifted entirely and it seems to hold one fewer friend than it had moments before. I d...

This week at my office, we've gone through two bottles of Lysol and at least as much soap in the bathroom and wash station. Not because we're dirty (it's a very clean, paperwork office) but because this stupid co-worker (Ditz-boss), who is salaried and doesn't have to worry about taking time off, has come to work anyway and God knows why, probably to infect us all with her dirty germs (a less common and less deadly form of germ warfare). It's not that she sneezes all over the papers she h...

Here's the link: Link Here's the initial report: BLOOMINGTON, Ind. - Monroe County Coroner David Toumey was hospitalized with a leg wound after accidentally shooting himself while trying to demonstrate gun safety. Toumey told The Herald-Times for a story published Saturday that he was demonstrating gun safety to some people at a Lake Monroe boat ramp about 11 p.m. Wednesday when he accidentally shot himself. He said that as he checked to make sure his weapon was unloaded, the...

Here's the link: Link Here's the initial report: BLOOMINGTON, Ind. - Monroe County Coroner David Toumey was hospitalized with a leg wound after accidentally shooting himself while trying to demonstrate gun safety. Toumey told The Herald-Times for a story published Saturday that he was demonstrating gun safety to some people at a Lake Monroe boat ramp about 11 p.m. Wednesday when he accidentally shot himself. He said that as he checked to make sure his weapon was unloaded, the...

Um, here's a site that tells you what type of hat you wear. I don't wear hats often but apparently my type would be a bowler hat. (See below) One of the nice things about this quiz is that you're not pigeonholed into just one answer--you can mark more than one, which is excellent for indecisive people like me. Quiz.ravenblack.net: Link (I have no idea whether the ravenblack of that site is the same as our own local celeb.) I am a Bowler Hat . I'm very proper, often ...

This idea is a work in progress. As are most of my ideas, come to think of it. It's actually a spinoff of an idea I had about people on JU, but I'm not stupid enough (or kiss-ass enough) to name names. 1. Negativos. These are the people who couldn't see the light at the end of a tunnel with night-vision goggles. They see the world as full of horrible people, political quagmires, and shoddy policies be they government or company (or JU), and these people can't seem to gain a balanced ...

So you stayed up super late playing Doom III, crawled under the covers at 5 a.m., and half an hour later the alarm goes off. Your partner bounds out of bed with the speed of Stupendous Man and the alacrity of Hobbes greeting Calvin when he comes home from school. “Yay!” your partner says. “Morning is here! We can seize the day!” And then you shoot her and go back to sleep. * That’s the perspective I don’t share. Here’s my side: I crawl into bed at 10:30 p.m. and read until I ...

Top 10 ways to get into the private college of your choice (1 = most important, etc.)) 10. If nothing else on the list, get near-perfect scores on your SATs 09. Apply to colleges where your familiy members have attended (preferably also colleges where they've not been kicked out, as I learned) 08. Be a valedictorian 07. Be international. Or just have an international address where you can mail your application from. Or be born in a different country, even if they didn't grant you citize...