Hello ladies, have I got a good deal for you! I'm married to a nice, intelligent (brilliant, really), romantic, witty, wonderful guy. But he's got this problem that I, alas, can no longer deal with: He wears the ugliest shirts in the world.
I'm talking the throw-away-bin-at-Goodwill ugly. You know when your great uncle or some distant male relative died, and you hadn't the heart to throw out his shirts so you gave them to charity instead? Well, he bought 'em. Thanks a lot.
First, there's the one that is pink and brown ("peach! it's peach, not pink!" he says) with horizontal cream stripes. Then there's the Led Zeppelin-esque brown shirt (don't know how else to describe it, but you'd have to be on substances listening to Led to design anything like it), the animal print shirt (arguably okay but about three sizes too big), the western shirts (this on a man who despises everything cowboy), and assorted others, all in various shades of ugliness and all, alas, polyester.
Then there are the shirts he's been handed down from his buddies, or that he's pulled from lost and found bins. There's the yellow one that would make you throw up all over again if you were suffering from a hangover, or at least wear blinders. There's the "Bike Naked" shirt. There's the formerly black, now mainly faded dark purple shirt with a female icon (the kind you see on bathroom doors) in one frame, then two female icons next to each other, then a female-male-female frame, underneath running the words "good" "better" and "best" (you can guess which word is under the threesome, and let me tell you what ain't ever happening).
Finally, the straw that breaks the camel's back: H thought those Razor scooters were nifty. Being thrifty (no rhyme intended), he found one in a dumpster. And he still rides it. And he's not 12 like the only other kids who are riding them these days.
All of the things listed here he promised to throw away before we got married. We've been married three months now.
So, like I said: Slightly used husband for sale. Or else I'll pay you to take the shirts and run over the scooter.
-A.