For sale: Slightly used husband

Published on September 22, 2004 By Angloesque In Home & Family

Hello ladies, have I got a good deal for you! I'm married to a nice, intelligent (brilliant, really), romantic, witty, wonderful guy. But he's got this problem that I, alas, can no longer deal with: He wears the ugliest shirts in the world.

I'm talking the throw-away-bin-at-Goodwill ugly. You know when your great uncle or some distant male relative died, and you hadn't the heart to throw out his shirts so you gave them to charity instead? Well, he bought 'em. Thanks a lot.

First, there's the one that is pink and brown ("peach! it's peach, not pink!" he says) with horizontal cream stripes. Then there's the Led Zeppelin-esque brown shirt (don't know how else to describe it, but you'd have to be on substances listening to Led to design anything like it), the animal print shirt (arguably okay but about three sizes too big), the western shirts (this on a man who despises everything cowboy), and assorted others, all in various shades of ugliness and all, alas, polyester.

Then there are the shirts he's been handed down from his buddies, or that he's pulled from lost and found bins. There's the yellow one that would make you throw up all over again if you were suffering from a hangover, or at least wear blinders. There's the "Bike Naked" shirt. There's the formerly black, now mainly faded dark purple shirt with a female icon (the kind you see on bathroom doors) in one frame, then two female icons next to each other, then a female-male-female frame, underneath running the words "good" "better" and "best" (you can guess which word is under the threesome, and let me tell you what ain't ever happening).

Finally, the straw that breaks the camel's back: H thought those Razor scooters were nifty. Being thrifty (no rhyme intended), he found one in a dumpster. And he still rides it. And he's not 12 like the only other kids who are riding them these days.

All of the things listed here he promised to throw away before we got married. We've been married three months now.

So, like I said: Slightly used husband for sale. Or else I'll pay you to take the shirts and run over the scooter.

-A.

Comments (Page 2)

SSG Geezer

on Sep 23, 2004

If you have household pets, grab one of the shirts out of the hamper and use it to "clean up the mess"
because it was the first thing handy!

Angloesque

on Sep 24, 2004

Well, Geezer, I've got to clean house today--maybe it's time to attack those forgotten spots at the corners of windows and behind the toilet....

-A.

BlueDev

on Sep 24, 2004

You could always have a "grease fire" and need to smother it with something, like, oh, say a shirt.

Insightful

on Sep 24, 2004

This is hilarious! "giggle, giggle"
You get an, insightful, from me on this one for sure.
Too bad my ex didn't think of this.
Wait a minute, on the open market my value is...............
Never Mind!

WIFE FOR SALE!
If a man, put up, an ad like this for his wife, it might be viewed as something entirely different.

The Crusaders

on Sep 24, 2004

Put all the shirts in the wash for a cycle .....but....put in 1/2 a bottle of bleach in with it....and after a few weeks of this they'll fall apart on his own back....how's he going to blame you then...?..'it happens to all clothes that have been overworn'....'it was just their time.'...'it's just a natural part of clothes life cycle'.

dharmagrl

on Sep 24, 2004

Put all the shirts in the wash for a cycle .....but....put in 1/2 a bottle of bleach in with it....

Yes, that could be classed as a 'laundry accident'. Some are polyester, you said? You could be a really good wife and iron some of his shirts. Polyester and an iron set to 'cotton/linen' don't mix well. You could have a crayon or pen accident in the washer or dryer...there's also a chance that the washer could malfunction and chew up some of his clothing. That happened to my husband, ya know. I lost an old T shirt (you could throw something of yours that you were going to toss out anyway in there just to make it look a little more legit), but poor Dave lost most of his wardrobe that I didn't like.

It's funny how laundry accidents can happen like that.

citahellion

on Sep 25, 2004

You could have a crayon or pen accident in the washer or dryer

Only problem there is that he might not even notice the difference, or might think it makes the shirts "more interesting."

Angloesque

on Sep 25, 2004

Polyester and an iron set to 'cotton/linen' don't mix well.

Good to know. That's a clever idea--I hadn't come up with the "laundry" accident yet. And even if they did start to fall apart, H is the kind of guy who would wear them, anyway, so they'd better be absolutely tattered and in pieces before he'll toss them. Maybe I'll do the bleach, crayon, sharpie, and iron thing all at the same time.

Only problem there is that he might not even notice the difference, or might think it makes the shirts "more interesting."

Unfortunately, a distinct possibility.

-A.

dharmagrl

on Sep 25, 2004

H is the kind of guy who would wear them, anyway, so they'd better be absolutely tattered and in pieces before he'll toss them.

Dave is the same way. He'll wear it until it falls to pieces....that's another thing you could do...take a stitch ripper or a razor blade and cut the stitching around the neck or the sleeves so that when you wash it the arms or the neckband mysteriously fall off.

You might have to do this in baby steps...first have the crayon or the sharpie accident, then you could try to bleach the marks out, then you could say that the bleach rotted the stitching and have the sleeves fall off. It might take a couple of weeks, but....you'd be rid of the shirts.

Angloesque

on Sep 29, 2004

Dharma--I tried the "laundry accident" trick over the weekend while we were visiting my sister and her new baby. The bleach thing didn't work well but I did manage to "accidentally" forget the last load of laundry, so I'm saved from the bright yellow shirt for at least a month, or whenever we go back again. Next up: the polyester on the linen/cotton setting.

I also took the liberty of hiding two of the more atrocious shirts by tossing them on the top shelf in our closet. I dunno what other people's top shelves look like, but ours is dimly lit and very high.

Thanks for the suggestions. I'm using them one at a time.

--Evilly,

Angloesque

dharmagrl

on Sep 29, 2004

also took the liberty of hiding two of the more atrocious shirts by tossing them on the top shelf in our closet

Ah yes, i had forgotten about that! Ours is used mostly for storage...things get 'lost' up there all the time.

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