Ah, the wedding toasts. Also known as my family's big chance to embarrass me/get me back for all the times I was the obnoxious youngest child. Not that I don't somehow deserve it, but perhaps the wedding isn't the best place, hmm?

So Dear Old Dad will get up and say, Well, Tullola will hate me for saying this..., and launch into a most-detailed account of the embarrassing highlights of my life, beginning with peeing all over my grandpa when I was four, including the episode where I went out to ask mom and dad why the cats were making such strange sounds outside my bedroom window and, upon explanation, me exclaiming, well, I won't ever do what the cats do!, and he'll probably wrap up with some comment about what my dear fiance and I will be doing that night, with some reference to the cats thrown in.

T-riffic.

And while I am beaming a bright red, my fiance/husband will get up and utter some amazingly adroit witticisms about how Dear Old Dad is such a gem, who wouldn't want one in *their* family (probably bad form there for me to raise my hand there, eh?). Or else, fiance/husband will sit beside me beaming, if possible, just as brightly red.

Hmm. Need witty comments. Need to not be embarrassed. Need to not have toasts. Need to *have* toasts, but have microphone go out before bloody father gets up to talk. Need to not invite bloody father to wedding. Ah--there, I've found the solution.

Crap.

Okay. Here's list of witty things to say after bloody father is finished.

1. Ladies and gentlemen...my father!

2. Anyone else want to make a roast--I mean, toast?

3. And that's why we only let Dad out of the house on limited occasions.

4. Redface to Henchman, need backup, pronto!

5. Anyone have a crowbar? No? How 'bout a bat? Yes? No?

6. Today I'd like to announce my divorce. From my father.

7. Mum, I blame you. You married him.

8. Well, Dad, at least fiance/husband and I can still *do it*....

9. Ah. I see dad's glass is full of something other than champagne.

10. Well, thanks for coming everyone...must go kill myself now.